Batman, The Greatest Crimefighter
by Windrises
Summary: A story narrated by Batman, where he describes his life as a crimefighter, including his formers sidekicks, his Justice League teammates, and his rivalry with the Joker.


Note: Batman is owned by DC Comics and was created by writer Bill Finger and artist Bob Kane. Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joel Shuster. The Justice League were created by Gardner Fox. Batman is the narrator of this story.

I am Batman. I'm also a millionaire, named Bruce Wayne. I protect the city of Gotham. It's such a filthy city. A city filled with crime. A city filled with hate. A city filled of wackos. That's why I'm here. I protect everybody. I'm the city's most important hero. When the wackos break out of Arkham Asylum, I rise to the rescue. I do what's needed to do. You might ask why the police doesn't take care of crime. Well, they do defeat some criminals, but not very many. Commissioner Gordon means well, but he's a gullible old man. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's a friend of mine, but I can't rely on him and his officers to defeat the high-level threats. Also, there's Detective Bullock. He doesn't like me and the feeling's mutual. He's rude to me. He's supposed to solve cases and stuff, but he just throws out insults and munches on donuts.

I live in Wayne Manor. It's a nice place, but it's really big and it's easy to get lost. There's so many rooms, tables, and a bunch of fancy stuff. I'm not very fond of it. My mansion's really clean, but that's not because of me. I wouldn't care if it looked like an old wreck, but my butler insists on making the place look presentable. I don't know why. Maybe he just cleans the place, because he wants to feel important. However, he doesn't have to worry about that, because he is important. His name is Alfred Pennyworth. I don't know why he has that last name. I once asked him to change it, but he didn't. Alfred doesn't usually disobey my orders. I appreciate his loyalty. However, I often wonder if he does what I ask, because he cares about me or if he's just cares about the money. It's hard to tell, but I'm still glad to have him around.

When I was a young boy, I was taught to not brag about himself. I was taught to be modest and admire other people's accomplishments. That's what I used to, because I felt I wasn't worthy of being honored. However, that was before I became Batman. I was my own mentor. I taught myself the skills I needed, that led to me becoming Batman. After I became Batman, I became something important. I became a symbol of justice, hope, and action. During my first few cases, I just beat up guys in suits. It was easy. It was even fun. However, it started getting boring. Back when Commissioner Gordon was good at his job and wasn't so old, we defeated Gotham's top crime boss, Carmine Falcone. Mr. Falcone was a very dangerous and elusive dude, despite being pretty old. I showed that geezer who's boss. I am the boss, because I am the Batman and I am the best thing this city has ever had.

After we defeated Mr. Falcone, Commissioner Gordon walked up to me and asked, "Do you think Gotham's going to become a safer city?" I didn't want to be cynical, but I had to be honest with Gordon and with myself. I shook my head. Gordon asked, "Why do you feel that way? Carmine Falcone was the biggest mob boss in the city. Now that he's gone, the people can feel safer."

I replied, "They can feel safer and that's great and all, but they aren't safer. Come on, Jim. You're an adult. You know things. You have a brain. You went to schools and learned stuff, didn't you?"

Commissioner Gordon responded, "Of course I did, but I don't get what you're trying to tell me."

I explained, "More criminals are going to come. Sure, they'll be small threats. They'll be punks, thieves, and losers, who I can easily stop. However, they'll be more dangerous threats. I'll have to be more prepared. I'll have to become better at my job. I need to do what's right. I am the best."

Other villains started coming. They were more dangerous. They were scarier. I fought several of them. It wasn't hard to scare them. I'm the scariest hero there is. I'm the best. However, some villains gave me a lot of pain. They hurt me. They made me experience darker emotions. The Joker was the biggest problem. He called himself the clown prince of crime. His gimmicks were stupid, but he was pure evil. He was the most dangerous man I had ever faced. I wasn't fond of him. Sure, his costume was sweet, but he was still a monster. He kept doing bad things to me. I wanted him to do good things. I wanted him to make smart decisions. Joker was clever. He was something special. He was also random, which made him hard to analyze.

Lots of people are jealous of me and I don't blame them. Sometimes, I get jealous of myself. Alfred often tells me that it's illogical, for a person to be jealous of his own actions. However, he doesn't understand what I'm going through, because he's not a crime fighter. He's a good guy, but he doesn't wear a costume and he doesn't fight crime. I do have friends, who do wear costumes. There was that punk, Dick Grayson. Well, punk might not be the best word. Technically, he was a good kid, but he got on my nerves. I don't know why. He just did. At first, he called himself Robin. Together, we were the dynamic duo. I was the leader and he was my sidekick. I admit I'm not fond of people working with me, but it was fun having a sidekick. Things were brighter and more colorful back then. When we punched criminals, I heard music playing. It was upbeat. It was fun. However, the little kid grew up. He became an adult. He decided to stop being Robin.

I tried to talk some sense into him. I said, "Please stay, Grayson. You could do good things. In fact, you've already done good things. Why don't you keep doing what's right? Why would you want to throw your life away?"

Dick Grayson look like a self-entitled punk, while saying, "I'm not throwing my life away. I'm making a difference. I'm going to be my own crimefighter. I'm a man."

That Grayson kid actually thought he was all grown up, but he was still young. He didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't a genius. He didn't know how to be a detective. He was just a person and not a very imposing one. I wanted to make him do what was right, but he was a brat, so he couldn't be helped. He formed a team of youthful troublemakers, called the Teen Titans. They were cute and all, but they didn't really do anything important. After leaving that childish team, Dick Grayson thought he could make himself cool, by calling himself Nightwing. I let him go with the name, but deep down, I thought it was a stupid name. I thought he was being stupid, in general. He might be the boy wonder, but he often makes mistakes. I don't like that. I wanted somebody I could trust and I couldn't trust him.

Also, Commissioner Gordon had a daughter, who was named Barbara. After graduating college, she started fighting crime. She decided to go with a bat theme. I respected that, but it also offended me. Bats are my thing. It was bad enough, when Man-Bat took my name. I wanted to sue the wings off of Man-Bat and sue the cowl off of Batgirl, but I couldn't do that. I had more important things to do. I do what needs to get done. Batgirl tried to do the same thing. Unlike her dad, she wasn't old. She was young. She was sweet. She was a good person. I liked her, but I didn't want her fighting crime in Gotham. Gotham is my city. She can't steal the crime-fighting adventures from me. It made me want to sue her, again, but I didn't have time for that.

One day, we were fighting some thugs, in an alley. After the fight was over, I decided it was time for a talk. It was time for me to be sensible. I gave her a very stern look, while saying, "You can't keep doing this. I appreciate the help. You're a caring person. You make a difference in the world. You're more helpful than your well-meaning, but elderly father. He's older than the dirt I keep next to my windowsill. I like the dirt. It's symbolic of the dirty city I lived in. Being clean is important, but it's overrated."

Batgirl asked, "What are you talking about? I'm fighting crime. I'm doing good things."

I replied, "Like I was just saying, you are doing great things. I like your work. You're a good person and your hair is pretty. However, Gotham is the city, that I command. I'm in charge. I don't make rules, but I do enforce justice. I can't have other people doing what I do. I used to think I could have a sidekick, but he left and that might be for the best. You should leave, too." I told her to leave the city and if she didn't, I'd tell her old man who she really is. She put up a good fight, but she eventually agreed and joined some other team. It doesn't matter. Other teams don't matter. Only my team matters.

My team's called the Justice League. It's a good team. In fact, it's the best team. That's because of me. I don't want to brag. I don't want to sound like my ego has grown out of the ground, but I have to be honest with myself. I'm the best crimefighter. I'm the best at my job. I'm amazing. I'm great and powerful. My teammates used to not respect me. They thought they could act like my superiors, but they're fools. They don't know what they're doing. Superman is the leader of the Justice League. I'm more qualified to lead the team, but I don't. That's because I have to stay in Gotham, most of my time. Unlike Superman, I care about my hometown. Superman treats Metropolis like any of the other cities in the world. He's got powers and stuff, but he could never stop me. He doesn't have a clue. He's not a dummy, but he's also not a detective or a historian. He's a guy in a silly outfit. His costume makes me want to laugh. It's not special. My costume is special. His costume looks like spandex. That's not impressive. He's not impressive. I'm the important one. Superman's a good guy. He loves people and he does the right thing, but he's not the best. I'm the best. Even Superman knows I'm superior. He wouldn't say it, but that's because he doesn't have guts. Some say he's too wholesome, but I say he's too weak. Sure, his muscles are big, but his confidence is lacking. He lets Lex Luthor intimidate him. Lex Luthor's not scary. I don't even need to put on my Batman costume, to stop Lex. As Bruce Wayne, I could put Lex out of business. I've often wanted to do that, but I haven't. Despite all my problems with Superman, I care about him. That's why I don't defeat Lex. I want Superman to have his own arch-enemy, so he can feel important. Is Superman important? Do we really need him? Honestly, I don't know, but I'm glad he's around. He makes me feel more optimistic and happy. I like him. He's a boy scout, but a nice person.

One day, I was in at the Justice League's headquarters. It was a smelly place. It was a weird place. It's a place that could give you nightmares. Sure, they were good nightmares, but they were still uncomfortable. I had to keep a lot of dirt on my windowsill, in order to get any sleep, after having a meeting with the Justice League. They're nice people, but for some reason, they creep me out. Why do they do that? I don't know. Deep down, I think some of my teammates are scared of me and frankly, that brings a grin to my face. I want them to get a stomach cramp, as soon as I enter the building. I shouldn't laugh at my team's discomfort, but I do. I'm not perfect. A lot of people think I am, but I have problems. However, I'm also amazing. I'm super cool and I know what I'm doing.

For the first half of the meeting, Superman was talking about crap that didn't matter. I wasn't paying attention, because my mind must still sharp. I have to focus on the real issues. Superman wants to make the world a better place, but he lets mundane things distract him. He knows better, but he's such a boy scout. He'll let any small crime distract his simplistic brain. He could be defeating the biggest and most imposing threats in the world, but he gets cats out of trees. That's something most people can do. Superman didn't earn his powers. He inherited them from his home planet. Krypton was such an advanced planet.

Eventually, Superman stopped talking. I was happy about that. However, Flash and Aquaman started talking about their own garbage missions. It made me want to sigh and groan. Flash is a sweet kid, but he's too goofy. He's silly. He's a punk. His enemies are low-level threats. The Flash fights Captain Cold, who is similar to Mr. Freeze, but Mr. Freeze is smarter. He's a real threat. Aquaman's just a dork. He gives me a good laugh, but I can't take him seriously. He might be a king, but frankly, he should be my jester. If I could, I'd put a hat on his head and make him dance in the garbage. That would be funny. I'm funny. Some people say I'm too serious, but I get a good laugh out of myself. However, I'm mostly serious. I'm dramatic. I'm a good guy. I love myself. Everybody loves me. Well, there's a few that don't, but I don't respect them.

I decided to start speaking. I have a nice voice. I have the best voice. However, as Bruce Wayne, I have to sound plain, so I can disguise myself. When I'm Batman, my real voice comes out. I sound a bit gruff. I sound imposing. I sound like a winner. I am the winner. I looked at my teammates and said, "Stop talking about low-level losers, like Lex Luthor, Captain Cold, and Black Manta. I came to you guys, because I wanted to talk about a real issue. I usually don't ask for help, but my current situation is getting crazy and I figured you could help me with that."

While looking clueless, the Flash asked, "What's going on?"

I explained, "The Joker has gotten loose. He's super evil. He's a threat. I have to stop him. He knows what he's doing, but he doesn't know why he's doing it. He lost his marbles. I used to play marbles. I kept my marbles in a bag. I kept that bag next to my dirt, which I keep on my windowsill."

Aquaman said, "The Joker is dangerous and all, but it's not like he's threatening the ocean or anything."

I defensively replied, "The ocean doesn't matter. Gotham matters. You're not a true king. You're a true goofball. Don't tell me things. Don't let words come out of your mouth. You're not a cool person. If there was a rock band playing in Gotham, people would be wearing leather jackets and wearing gold chains. They'd look cool. You wouldn't fit in. You couldn't be in a band. You don't have a good singing voice. You are nice. You've made that clear. I respect that. I want to be a fan of you, but I can't. You don't say things that matter, so stop saying words. Don't yell. Don't whisper. Don't be who you are."

Superman said, "Batman, we all want to help you, but I'm failing to understand what you're saying."

I started looking impatient. In hindsight, I probably got too angry, but I don't blame myself. I had to say what I needed to say. I also had to look angry, because furious emotions were erupting out of my brain. I angrily stared at Superman, Flash, and Aquaman. They remind of the three stooges. They're clumsy, goofy, and do silly things. They want to help people, but they're stooges. They're weirdos. They make me want to vomit on my cape. When I'm at Wayne Manor, I keep my cape, next to my marbles, which is by the dirt I keep on my windowsill. I'm a good organizer. I'm not like the three stooges. I like my teammates. They have a lot of flaws, but they mean well. I had to talk some sense into them. I had to be the smart one. I'm so smart. I'm the smartest person in Gotham. I'm the smartest person on the Justice League. Heck, I could outsmart Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock's a good guy, but he's a bit eccentric. Sometimes, he's like more a gnome, than a detective. Did you see that Sherlock Gnomes film? Johnny Depp voiced the title character. It wasn't one of the better films of 2018, but it had some good moments. It reminded me of my teammates, because the film was silly and so are my teammates. Still, I like goofy films and I like the people I work with. I also like Johnny Depp. He's similar to my teammates, but he's better. He's cooler. He knows how to express different emotions. My teammates are one-trick ponies. I love ponies. Sure, they're childish, but they're sweet. I enjoy sweet things. Friendship is magic. My friends are magical, but that doesn't mean I'm a fan of them.

I said, "The Joker is the most dangerous villain in the world."

Superman asked, "What about Darkseid?"

I replied, "He's a big threat. I can't deny that. However, Joker's a bigger threat. I don't like that clown. His breath offends me. He weirds me out. He even knows how to surf. I like surfing. It's a fun activity, but I don't do it. Surfing's not a good use of time. The beach is a waste of time, in general. Joker once stole a surfer's surfing abilities. I don't know how he did that, but that was wild. Joker's evil. We gotta hurt him and stuff like that."

Superman responded, "With all due respect, we can't have our entire team fight one powerless criminal. We have other cases, which we need to focus on."

Superman was getting on my nerves and can you really blame me? Superman thinks he's so important. He's got an ego. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm ashamed of him. I would of thrown dirt in his face, but the dirt was still on my windowsill, which is where it's supposed to be. I like Superman and I like dirt, but they wouldn't be a good combination. It wasn't meant to be. I angrily stared at the man of steel, while saying, "Joker's a lot more dangerous, than you give him credit for. He's going to endanger a countless amount of lives. If you, Flash, and Aquaman want to keep being the trio of ignorance, go ahead. However, I'm smart. I have a brain. It's not like I put my brain on my windowsill. That's where I keep my dirt. That's what it's reserved for. I'm so cool. Give me an award. I love myself."

Superman said, "You know what's best for you, Batman. If you think you need to go after the Joker, go ahead. Flash, Aquaman, and I have another thing, that we need to do. We'll send somebody, who can accompany you."

I was hoping they'd send a real hero, but they had Green Lantern come with me. I could hardly believe it. Green Lantern's a loser. He's overly-confident, smug, and has lame powers. He's so weak, that he could lose all his powers, if he doesn't charge that stupid ring of his. Also, he has no powers, without his ring. One time, I showed that punk who's boss, by taking the ring off his fingers. His fingers aren't washed. I can tell. He thinks he looks handsome, but he's just a mediocre pilot. I don't like him. Did you see that Green Lantern film? It came out in 2011. It was okay, but it wasn't anything great. My films are a lot better. Green Lantern's film didn't make money, because moviegoers are smart. They like real heroes. Green Lantern's a dork. He probably keeps his ring on a windowsill, while he sleeps. I keep dirt on my windowsill, which is much more useful. I'm way cooler. Green Lantern sucks. Actually, I need to give the guy more credit. He does have some redeeming qualities. I do have to have some respect, for fellow crimefighters, but that doesn't change how much of a dummy he is. I don't like dummies. Dummies rhymes with mummies. I'm also not a fan of mummies, but I am a fan of gummies. I eat gummies.

Green Lantern and I went to Gotham City. Green Lantern was talking about some women he was hitting on. He was such a playboy. I don't like playboys. I like serious relationships. I'm betting Green Lantern's never been in a serious relationship. While Green Lantern was being a big dummy, I found a stack of playing cards, which were scattered around the street. It wasn't a very popular street. It used to be, until it started being called Crime Alley. A lot of bad stuff happened on that street. I didn't like that street.

I knew the Joker would come, so I told Green Lantern to wait with me. Green Lantern kept moving his mouth. I hated his mouth. He had an ugly mouth. I usually don't judge looks, but Green Lantern couldn't win a beauty contest. He has no sense of fashion. Unlike me, he doesn't properly disguise himself. He just wears an eye mask. It's obvious he's Hal Jordan. As Hal and as Green Lantern, he's a nerd. I don't like nerds. Nerds are smart, but they lack style. They don't win popularity contests. Sure, popularity contests are rigged, but I still think they mean something. I mean something. I represent the meaning of life. That's why I'm Batman. I love myself. I love my windowsill. I love my mansion. I love my dirt. I still keep my dirt on my windowsill. I also have a Bat Cave. I keep my stuff in it. It's like a backpack, except a million times cooler. I'm on a lot of backpacks. Kids love their Batman backpacks. Nobody buys Green Lantern backpacks. Nobody should bother with Green Lantern merchandise. He's bad. Well, he fights for the side of good, but he's got a bad sense of style and I won't stand for that.

After a long period of waiting, the Joker came. He had a corny grin on his face, while saying, "Greetings, Batman. You've been so busy, with all those rival enemies of mine, that you haven't been fighting me. I've been getting lonely."

Batman replied, "Don't worry, Joker. I make you a priority. You probably drive me more crazy, than anybody ever has. However, you're important to me. You're an essential part of my existence. I couldn't live without you. You're as important as my dirt. My dirt is on my windowsill and soon, you'll be on my prison cell. It won't be comfortable. However, you've never liked comfortable things. You have weird taste."

Joker said, "I'm going to get rid of you, Batman."

Green Lantern looked like a smug fool, while saying, "I'll defeat Joker." He started charging towards Joker. He was a hopeless case.

Joker had an amused look on his face, while asking, "Are you supposed to be a threat? It's time to prove you're a weakling." Joker took the ring off of Green Lantern's fingers.

Green Lantern had a nervous look on his face, while saying, "Oh, no. Without my power ring, I have no powers."

Joker replied, "You're defenseless, you dork. I'm going to bring you down. You can't scare the Joker. I'm the most invincible threat, that there's ever been." Joker punched and kicked Green Lantern. Green Lantern fell to the ground and passed out. He was pathetic. He was weak. I didn't like him. I like myself. I'm the best.

Joker put his hand on my shoulder, while saying, "Your friend is pathetic."

Batman replied, "Indeed. He's not a friend. He's a reluctant teammate. I'm not fond of him."

Joker burst into laughter and responded, "When it comes to being a real superhero, Green Lantern's a failure." Joker and I both laughed at Green Lantern. I have to admit something. It's not something I want to admit, but the Joker has a good sense of humor.

Batman said, "Joker, you know how to make me laugh."

Joker replied, "Then let's be friends. Let's text each other. We could have sleepovers. We could have crossovers with Scooby-Doo. It'll be delicious."

Batman responded, "No way, Joker. I have to stop you." Joker was the strongest fighter I knew, except for myself. I've won all of our battles and I'll continue doing that. I defeated the Joker and threw him in Arkham Asylum. I was and will keep being Batman, the most amazing crimefighter.


End file.
